The holidays are here. As a care provider, I see a huge increase in stress-related health concerns. Let's face it, the holidays are stressful. There is all the shopping for other people when you have no idea what they want or would like. Or you cheat and give out gift cards knowing that at least they can buy something they like themselves but also telling them that you really don't know them as well as they think you should. There is a strong shared belief that especially surfaces during the holidays that other people should be able to read your mind and know what would delight you since you are such a special person in their life. From the time you are old enough to tear open wrapping, you carry the conviction that if you are worthy, you will get exactly what you desire most. How many times did you finish opening your presents only to find that what you wanted most was not there? Were you not worthy?

I see with many people worthiness is a core issue that heavily plays out this time of the year. It is an underlying source of a lot of the stress during the holidays. Feel the alternative. If you absolutely knew that you were unconditionally loved by everyone you met no matter how you acted or what you did, would you be stressed? If your appearance on the scene was always met with adoration and approval, would you be worried about anything during the holiday season? I would venture to say that no you would not. You would not even care that all those holiday goodies were going to put 20 extra pounds on you, because everyone would love those extra pounds. I have yet to meet anyone who felt that way during the holidays. We are social creatures, even those who think they prefer to be alone. We are geared to care about what others think of us because our survival and rise to the top of the food pyramid on earth was built on our ability to cooperate to achieve far more than we possibly could if we worked alone. Cooperative effort is the survival advantage humans figured out that gave us a competitive edge over much stronger and fiercer creatures.

Throughout history, being worthy of belonging to your tribe essentially determined your survival. The worst punishment for being unworthy was not death, but banishment. So the question “Am I worthy?” is buried deep within our being. We all have it, no matter how much we might pretend otherwise. But what makes us worthy? The simple biological and evolutionary answer is that worth is a measure of how much you serve the wants and needs of your fellow tribe members. This is a simple, in-your-face real answer that most people try to hide from. Why do people try to hide from this? It is because it requires you to show up and do the work that others value, that your tribe values. It has nothing to do with what you value, what you want, what you need, or anything important to you. Value is a social construct built out of the needs of society at the moment. 

This is great news! Anybody and everybody can be worthy of belonging simply by developing and employing a skill that society deems as valuable. You could be a Chargers fan in a room full of die-hard Raider fans, but if you are supplying the chips and brew, you have value. You are alright. You are worthy... perhaps not as worthy as if you were a Raiders fan, but worthy enough.

While this may seem like a silly example, it serves to highlight where so much confusion comes from regarding worthiness. Each tribe of people requires trust to develop cooperation, which provides a survival edge. Trust is built on social agreements regarding internal beliefs and values that guide our actions. So even though worth has nothing to do with who we are on the inside, trust is built on sharing common values and beliefs that predict our actions in any situation. It is our actions that actually count, that have value, and make us worthy. But the trust issue makes us seek approval for how we feel and what we believe. In truth, what we feel and believe means nothing to others as these things are invisible. Only our actions can be seen by others. That is why con men, spies, and politicians can live amongst us and appear to be trustworthy.

There is a common misconception that our mere existence makes us worthy in some way. This seems to begin with the love babies receive, even though their only contribution to life is to breathe, eat, and excrete. We want to believe they are worthy of being taken care of. This notion became super obvious during China's law of one child per couple. The true value of a baby actually lies in their potential to support the parents when they get older. In China, girl children were not believed to exhibit this potential, so girl babies were often killed. Only sons were wanted or valued. So much for being a baby giving you inherent worth. Once girls entered the workforce in a meaningful way, this practice disappeared. So, despite what my fellow new age types would like you to believe, your existence does not confer any worth upon you. Your worth comes from your participation with the rest of life. Service creates your worth.

If you are one of the many who feel you are unworthy in some way, this bottom-line understanding charts the way out of this painful relationship you have with yourself. You don't have to judge yourself for having issues of fear, anger, lust, greed, vanity, or any other personality challenge. Everyone has those demons to battle with inwardly. The only concern is whether or not you can be of service to others. Do you function with goodwill and kindness? No one I have ever met is perfect on the inside. Developing healthy inner-feeling relationships is a lifetime struggle. We all have work to do there. If you embrace a relationship with God or some causal agent in reality, then that development may be relevant to feeling worthy of such a being. But out here in the societal world, it is our actions that demonstrate our value, and our worthiness to belong.

So, if you feel unworthy, embrace that you are not seeing your impact on others. Perhaps you are a selfish little snot and have no positive impact on the world, in which case, accept that your feeling of unworthiness is a true reflection of your relationship with life. More commonly, however, is that we just don't see how our actions support the bigger picture of life. Maybe all you do is flip burgers for a living. So what? You are providing a great service to all those people who don't or can't cook yet still need to eat. Suppose you are retired. Do you provide company to others? Do you watch the grandkids? Do you play with friends? All of these are a service to others. Any time we have a positive interaction with others we are usually being of service in some way.

If you are alone and have no skills of any sort, then learn some skills. You don't have to be naturally talented to be of service. There are endless opportunities to learn new skills that can make you valuable to others. If you want to feel worthy then that is the goal. How can you serve your world? Only you can take the responsibility to find a way to be of service to life. It is no one job to do this for you. It can't be anyone's job. Your feeling of worth comes from your desire to be of value. No one can give you a desire from your heart. You have to feel the desire, act on it, and see the results. 

Ultimately feeling worthy is a form of self-love, that feeling of positive value for yourself. Remember that cooperative survival drive buried deep in your cells? When you function in ways that meet the cooperative survival of the entire tribe, you feel worthy of being a member of that tribe. That drive to contribute, to positively participate is the love you give to your fellow humans. As you give love, so are you able to receive love – from yourself. You can't feel and enjoy the love from others if you do not first feel worthy of that love. A feeling worthy means that you have given love as a service first. Love is positive participation.

The holidays are the season of love. By being of service you can feel the worthiness to receive a stocking full of love this holiday season.

Take care,

David