As I review Heartflow coaching cases that Ellen has done on clients, I have been noticing a pattern of motivation driving behaviors and feelings clients want to change that are based on loneliness.  This perspective of viewing feelings and behaviors is new for me.  Most of the time I see the source of people's unhappiness stemming from their childlike desire to be the center of everything so they can have everything be their way.  It is a lovely dream; a world where you feel completely safe and taken care of because you are in charge and the most important thing on the planet.  Everyone would put you and your needs and wants first and their own second.  The problem is everyone wants this, even the co-dependent parents that look on the surface like they are putting their children first.  In truth they are putting their vision of what they want for their kids first, and usually completely ignore who the kids really are and what they want.

Everywhere you go your hear the cry for “My way,” and “My way is the right way.”  This chant is heard on every level in every sector of life.  This seems like the sound of the natural infant ego.  We cover this core feeling with grownup behaviors as we age, but the core is still there built into our assumptions about how life “should” be.  I hear it all the time as “Why do people act the way they do instead of how I think they should act?”

But what if there is another driver behind our unhappiness?  What if simple loneliness is a core driver?  Maybe part of the reason we want people to be and act the way we want is because we believe that then we could connect safely with them and not be lonely.  Connection is a fundamental human need.  Newly born infants will simply up and die if they do not get enough connection while they are young.  That feeling of belonging is critical to a basic feeling of safety, that the world is a safe place to be in.  The issue is that our feeling of belonging is created by sameness.  “I belong because I am like them, the same as them.”  Because of this it is vital to us to have others be the same as us.  We will try to be like them as much as we can, but at the end of the day we can only bend ourselves so far, and then we need them to accommodate to our truths, beliefs, and behaviors.  So essentially we still want to be center.  We still want them to be our way.

To understand this better so I can see the relationship of the various parts, I put it into a story format.

Imagine you were born into the perfect family.  As the new baby, you were the center of everyone's attention.  You were picked up and cuddled all the time so you felt wanted.  You were fed when hungry, changed when dirty, bundled up when cold, and life was pretty darn good.  As you start growing, you start exploring your environment – first with your eyes, then as your legs got stronger you start crawling around.  You want to touch the things you see.  But all of a sudden your wants are not the most important.  Your movements are restricted by the parents with play pens, strollers, cribs, and just being physically grabbed and pulled away from things you wanted to get into.  Once you start walking this only gets worse.  The more you try to express and act on what you want, the more you get restricted and suppressed.  

The more you try to explore your wants in the world, the more separate and different you feel from your caregivers.  Instead of the soothing feeling of belonging based on sameness, you start feeling alone.  Your fellow family members may love you and care for you, but they are not putting your wants first. In fact they seem to put their own wants first and yours second.  How are you supposed to become you if you are not allowed to do whatever you want?  The more of an individual you become the more separate you become, and the more lonely you become.  This feels terrible.  You need connection.  The loneliness feels like a deep dark hole inside your chest.  You become desperate to fill that hole with something that will feel good again.  You would like to fill that hole with belonging by making others be the same as you.  The hole feels so bad and being center where everyone puts you first feels so much better, that logically you conclude that you need to make them be “right,” meaning your way.  The quest for the power to make things “right” begins.

You become older and now are surrounded by kids your age at school.  They are experiencing the same issues you are.  They are lonely just like you.  Perhaps you find one or more that are similar enough that you form a new sense of belonging to a peer group, or perhaps not.  Life becomes me or we against “them” as our way is right and their way is wrong.  The sameness works for a while until you continue to grow and individualize and see that you are not really the same as them.  Do you suppress yourself to belong or do you break away to become you?  You feel the pull to find that special someone who will make you the center of their universe, if you will do the same for them.  Initially the brain chemistry takes over and you actually believe you are two parts of the same whole.  This special person completes you and you feel good and at ease when you are with them.  This might last a few weeks, or months, or possibly even years.  Eventually the differences start cropping up and the emptiness comes back.  You try to make them be right, and they try to make you be right.  Now what do we do?

I see this story played out all around me every day.  People have all developed good grownup personas (masks) for dealing with the world.  They talk and act like they are all grown up on the surface, but they are unhappy inside.  Their actions with life keep not working quite right.  They are overloaded with stress and see no way out.  They are trying to fill the emptiness inside with something from the outside – financial security, love, social causes, drugs, drama, and so on.  Something is missing.  They all feel it in spite of trying to hide from the feelings.  They can no longer clearly identify what is missing or why they feel so alone and empty, because they are longing for a feeling they have not had since they were tiny infants.  They want to go back when they were the center of everyone's attention and their needs and wants were put first – back when they felt connected, belonging, safe.

Not everyone I encounter feels this way.  Some people have that connected feeling, and they have it without having to suppress who they are in order to belong.  What have these people figured out that most people have not?  The answer is simple enough to say or write, but very difficult to do.  They have figured out that the empty loneliness inside can't be filled by anything from the outside.  This is an inside out filling process.  Most people are on the path to do this without realizing it as they strive to individuate.  The more you become yourself, the more the emptiness inside yourself diminishes – at least partially.  There is a second half to this process.  The half is when you learn how to gift your uniqueness to the world in a way that is of service to the world.  When you learn how to be authentically yourself in a way that is valuable to others, connection happens.  Others want what you have to give – not everyone, but some.  When you are willing and desirous of participating with others in a way that serves others, you create connection and belonging that doesn’t require that you be the center of attention or get things your way.  Without having to be center and get your way, life becomes easier.  Most of the stress we experience in life is from trying to force the world to be something it just is not – our way.

The willing desire to participate with others in service is what I use as the definition of Love.  As cliché as this sounds, the empty loneliness is filled from the inside out by and with love.  As you develop the skills to participate with all the differences in others, you generate connection skills.  When you are centered within yourself and outflow your energies in a manner that are of service to others, you not only fill yourself with the love that remedies the emptiness, but you also gain appreciation from others.  Letting this in is part of the service you give, as life requires balance.  You belong without having to give up yourself.  You have figured out the secret to happiness.  It is an inside out job, and you are already on the path to reaching it.  

Take care,

David       

   
Ellen update:    

Ellen is all excited working on the formal menu for our Christmas Fantasy Feast.  Yes we start early on these things.  The theme will be feasting on fantasy creatures appropriate to Christmas, such as the Grinch, elves, and reindeer.  It gives us the opportunity to let our imaginations roam widely to create a memorable Christmas dinner for family.  I have been asked to take pictures of the dishes we come up with.