"Why do I do what I do?  Why do you?"

Humans have been asking these questions forever.  Philosophy, religion, politics, and the more recent invention of psychology all have these questions at their core.  What motivates each of us to participate with life in the manner we do?

Sometimes, both individually and collectively, we seem to be just plain nuts.  We do things that seem insane, yet at the time they make perfect sense.  We repeatedly do things that we know don't work to produce the results in our lives that we want.  We seem to sabotage ourselves at every turn.  

This insanity seems to multiply exponentially when we get together in groups.  This is so classic that it is now understood that the greater the number of people that believe something to be true, the more likely it is that it is false.  Common sense is the least common thing you will find.  Why is that?

The central driving force behind most of human insanity is self-centered narcissism.  Because of the nature of how the human brain grows and develops, this narcissism is unavoidable.  We all start there as children.  Life tries to beat this out of us, but usually fails.  Why do we insist on seeing everything only from our own perspective, when it is so obvious that our view is only one of millions and no more important than another's?  Our view is the most important to us of course, but why do we think our view should dominate over someone else.  Where do we get the insane  thought that anyone else in the world would abandon their views just so they could have the privilege of copying ours?

If we look at life and people from a great distance we might well ask these kinds of questions.  Why do they do what they do?  There must be some reason driving this behavior.  We can excuse children because their brains are not developed enough to see beyond themselves.  But what drives adults to think and act this way?  Do they just start every day with a fresh squeezed glass of stupid, or is there some deeper and more powerful reason behind all this?

Perhaps there is.  Consider what the actual point of self-centered narcissism is.  It is to get attention, to be the center of attention.  Being the center of attention is so important that it does not even matter what kind of attention.  First it is our own attention on ourselves, then the attention of others - good or bad.  Even the shy introverts are still totally focused on themselves in relation to everything else.  Why is this attention so important?

Attention is survival and attention is love.  This is the first thing we learn from the moment we are born.  If no one pays attention to us as a newborn, we die.  The more loving the attention is the better we are taken care of.  When we are so completely helpless, we need others to sacrifice their needs for our own.  We have nothing to trade in return for our needs being met, so we need to be loved without thought of return.  We also need 24/7 care.  We need care no matter what mood we are in, what we smell like, or how we act...and we need this 24/7.  The instant our caretakers put conditions and limits on their outflow of love, our quality of care decreases.  We want unconditional love.  We need unconditional love.  This is our first drive, our first motivation.

Fortunately for us unconditional love is easy for us to believe in when we are tiny babies.  At that age we do not have the ability yet to be able to conceive of other people in our world having thoughts of their own.  To a baby we are all just extensions of its mind much like it's arms and legs that it is trying to learn how move about successfully.  The baby has no understanding that we make choices to care for it that we might not make at a later date.  Conditional love is not something a little child can understand.

But the truth is that we humans have lots of conditions that limit our love and attention.  We can not be a source of unconditional love.  How the growing infant deals with this reality as it attempts to secure the feeling of receiving unconditional love forms the conscious and subconscious patterns that govern why we do what we do.  The narcissism of youth is simply the infant mind trying desperately to hold on to the feeling of being unconditionally loved in the world.  This feeling tells us that we are safe and secure, that life is all about us so we will have our needs met.

It is only when we develop the skills to successfully get our needs met through our participation with life that we can safely let go of the narcissism.  But skill development is hard.  It requires trial and error, and the error part usually means pain.  Many people decline the opportunity to develop the necessary skills and instead remain in the self-centered child state by playing entitlement games or victim games.  Seeking power over others is an example of an entitlement game.  The belief is that if you have power you are entitled to be the center of the universe and get your way in life (the King or the Princess).  The insanities that result from these games are all just ugly attempts to force unconditional love from others.

How we cope with the truth that no unconditional love exists from those around us and that we are not the center of other's universes produces another set of seemingly crazy behaviors.  Drinking, drugs, sugar use, acting out, risk taking, over eating, and so on are all ways to distance us from the truth.  Most self-destructive behavior is designed to moderate our feelings by distracting us from the painful truth that we really don't want to feel... that we are not the special center that everyone and everything is in relation to.  We want to hide from the fact that we are invisible until we find effective ways of participating with life.

The pursuit of unconditional love is what drives most negative attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors.  The original desire often gets buried so deep under layers of defense, distraction, and demand that we would never guess that unconditional love is really what is wanted.  We often push away abundantly available human conditional love, because we want only unconditional love.  

What can we do? 

Step two is to develop actual honest value for yourself with others.  You do this by serving as a participant in their lives in a way that both promotes and provides for a want or need in their lives and produces a positive outcome for both of you.  Be aware however that people value the unbalanced relationships the most, in which they receive without having to give back in return.  Getting something for nothing is a trigger for the excitement of feeling like you are the center of everything.  So if someone overly values you, it is usually because they are anticipating on some level that they are going to get center from you and not have to reciprocate.  Such relationships are not sustainable.  A giver can not keep giving without receiving - they get used up.

Nothing morally, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually bankrupts a person faster than giving them something for nothing.  It throws them back into their infant level of functioning and keeps them there.  To be healthy a relationship must be a win-win.  Reciprocity and mutuality are the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.  Reciprocity does not need to be in like kind, but in similar value only.  For example one person may contribute physical support to a relationship while the other contributes emotional support.  All that matters is that each side equally values the other's contribution.

Step three is to develop the truth of who you are in your core (not beliefs taught to you).  Each of us is born with certain gifts and feeling flows.  They are hardwired into our brains before we are born.  These inside gifts give us a special knack for being especially good at certain skills.  These particular skills are the ones that we love doing the most.  For one person it might be gardening, while another it might be the gift of gab, and another person it might be boldness and an adventuresome spirit.  We love doing what our true inner gift gives us a natural skill for.  We love doing our truth, our bliss, so much we would simply give away the products and benefits we create.  

When we are in our bliss, our outflow shines and is highly valued by others.  They want to give us what they have to give in exchange for what we have such an abundance of.  Because we have such abundance, there is no sacrifice in the giving.  We love to give.  When we give from abundance and receive for that giving, it creates the actual feeling that we are seeking to create when we try to get something for nothing, only much better.  Here we are getting something for being in our bliss and sharing our bliss with others.  We receive without sacrifice and share in the joy of sharing the products of our happiness... receiving with integrity from quality exchange.     

Step four is to develop the one relationship within yourself that truly meets that desire for pure unconditional love - your relationship with your own spirit.  Call this whatever you like: a relationship with God, with higher self, with universal oneness, your feeling core self and core values, the infinite, your ancestors, the community of man, whatever.  The key is to develop a personal relationship with something much bigger than yourself.  This is where unconditional love can and does exist.  In the big picture, whatever you are and whatever you have to offer has value.  You are loved.  But you have to reach out to connect with this experience.  It rarely reaches down and seeks you out.  Life constantly provides the opportunity to connect with the divine, but you have to watch for it and seize the opportunities.  Look for the affirmations of your existence as a loved being and they will be there.

Relationships are conditional experiences.  There is no "forever after" between humans.  Human love offers no guarantees.  Love is an exchange, not a right.  The only certainty between people in relationships is that everyone will always have needs and wants.  Notice, adapt, and respond to those needs and you can assure yourself of an excellent relationship with life.  Shine out with your true blissful feeling flow and give/receive from that space and your life becomes blessed.

There are three positive relationship stances in life: lead, support, or get out of the way.  Feeling which of these the person you are trying to relate to wants will give you the power to produce a positive relationship.  Some people want you to be a leader for them.  They want guidance and a role model example to empower them to step forward in their life.  Others just need someone to believe in them and support their efforts at self-manifestation with resources or encouragement.  Your very best sharing comes from sharing the skills that flow from your truth, your bliss.  The last group needs freedom.  They need to do everything on their own right now.  They will accept your admiration or appreciation, but not much else.  Let them be.

Outside of these three types of positive relationship are multitudes of unbalanced negative relationships.  Each has value and serves the needs of each individual involved in the relationship, but the costs of such relationships are high and are not very sustainable.  They are stressful because they are trying to support the lies of specialness and entitlement in some way.  It is very stressful to try to live a lie.

We chase this lie because we believe from our child mind that if we could just find or create a life as special and center then all would feel at ease.  We could then relax and be happy.  As with all such lies, we only exhaust ourselves chasing after that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  

Real ease comes from living in humility with the truth.  Our value comes from shining out our gifts/skills in a way that enhances life.  In response life will support us because we are of value to life.  It is that simple.  Serve life and life will serve you.  Love life and life will love you.  On the opposite hand, demand or withhold from life and life will withhold from you.  It is never life's job to give you what you want.  But life delights in supporting you as you create what you want through your own efforts, if your creation efforts also serve life.  This truth is easily remembered as the win-win principle.

To sum all this up, our deepest core motivation is the desire for unconditional love and support.  This does not exist on a human level.  All sustainable human relations must be mutually beneficial - that is the condition.  You can't sustain a one way relationship in which one person (or group) gets support without a balancing return.  Once you "get it" at your core that life is an exchange process, not just a consumption process, then you become both free and empowered to create anything that you like in life (as long as it respects the basic rule of balanced exchange.)

The insanities of life come from trying to violate the law of balanced exchange.  Respect the law and you will find ease and success in life.  Create exchange where it is available.  No one is required to exchange with you.  This is why promoting what you have to offer generates more people willing to exchange life and love with you.  The real law of attraction is that you have to attract what you want through the action of expression.  No one knows what you have to offer if you don't put it out there in a shiny attractive form.  Nor do they know what you want in exchange if you don't put that out as well.  So express your desires as well as shine out your bliss filled creation.  Only then will those who want what you have and that can meet your desires be able to find you.  In short - shine out both your gifts to the world and your desires.  Only then can you hook up with those that can create a truly satisfying mutually beneficial relationship with you.

The perfect blueprint for happiness is built into us, but we have to build it in our lives.  We see/feel reflections of this blueprint as images of people loving us, adoring us, and providing us with all we need.  We know and feel that this is how things are supposed to be.  But these inner pictures are seen from our viewpoint, so we can't see/feel what we are doing to bring about this lovely condition.  We know what "they" are supposed to be doing and wrongly suppose that we are entitled to have the outer world match our inner picture without our participation.  Not so.  Growing up is all about learning what we have to do on our side of the picture to bring that lovely image to life from our own state of bliss.  Who are we?  How do we have to shine out to attract others to love us and provide us what we need without our having to sacrifice any part of ourselves?  This is the challenge.  This is the journey.  And this is the joy that awaits us when we figure it out and make it real in our lives.   

Take care
and good journey...  

 

 

david@fairoakshealth.com

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About Dr. DeLapp

Dr. DeLapp has been a philosopher, non-force Chiropractor, medical intuitive, and health innovator for over 30 years.  He began experimenting with  medical intuition in 1972 while studying physics at UC Davis.  In addition to physics he designed and completed an individual major in the philosophy and psychology of education.  Shortly after he choose to pursue a career in the only truly health oriented profession available at that time, Chiropractic.  He graduated with honors in 1981 with his doctorate and opened a private practice. 
Since that time he has continued his research into the effects of consciousness and learning on health. 
He developed the Biomagnetic Retraining system for correcting movement abnormalities. 
Since 1991 he has focused on developing a powerful system for uncovering and assisting the mind-body connection in health and personal growth.  The in-depth coaching, guided by the subconscious direction from the body, is called Heartflow and the simpler mind-body retraining for health and unfoldment he has named Gracework.  Both are available at Fair Oaks Health.

Dr David DeLapp DC
Chiropractor

Ellen Flowers FGM
Spiritual Life Coach

 

Somatic Therapies

 

Lorena Morales