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This newsletter is about the concept of sexual equality.
Aug 29, 2010
Sexual Equality?
Hi ,
Health is intimately associated with stress and nothing stresses us quite as much as our closest relationships. The following is a Heartflow Philosophy article I wrote last week concerning something that on a social level for society as a whole is a good thing, but which creates tremendous stress when we try to bring the same values into the bedroom.
The Birds and the Bees
When I was young, people would refer to learning about sex as learning about the birds and the bees. When I  asked about the birds and the bees, what followed was a discourse on how bees pollinated flowers. Birds never seemed to be mentioned. Maybe that was an advanced topic for later years, but I never did learn about the birds. But the discussion about the bees and flowers is a very accurate description of the nature of the relationship between the "male" and the "female" energies. When I use the terms male and female energies I am referring to the basic polarity known to the Chinese as Yang and Yin. In the body these are known as the Sympathetic and Parasympathetic nervous systems.
In each moment one of these energies dominates the body, and as a lifestyle most individuals will tend to function predominantly in one of these states. Classically the male is identified with the dominant Sympathetic energy (Yang) as this state is a state of alertness, action, and assertion. Females are classically associated with a dominant Parasympathetic (Yin) state as this is a state of relaxation, receptivity, and nurturing.
Now obviously on an individual level, you could be dominantly either one as many men are Yin based and many women are Yang based. But on a historical level men are more associated with Sympathetic dominance as this side of the nervous system supports the production of testosterone - the male hormone. The Parasympathetic nervous system supports the production of estrogen - the female hormone, leading to the association with womanhood. The key is that each energy needs its opposite to survive. Opposites attract for a reason - survival.
So what does this have to do with the bees and the flowers? Bees are the active, assertive characters in  this story while the flowers are the quiet, relaxed, sweet nectar providing (nurturing) characters that attract the bees through their beauty. The flowers receive the bees and nurture them and in return the bees service the need of the flowers for pollen. Each needs the other to survive yet the two are completely different from each other. The same is true for the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous energies in the body - both are equally needed for health and survival yet both are and act completely differently. It is precisely their differences that make them valuable to each other. The same is true for people.
It is in fact their differences that attract each to the other.
This is a valuable point to understand when looking at relationships between men and women, as well as same sex partners in which one is expressing yang energy and the other yin energy. The whole point of intimate personal relationships is to learn how to interact and participate with individuals that are very different from you (Heartflow philosophy.) It is in our tribal, family, and friend relationships that we practice relating to sameness by forming associations based on common beliefs, goals, and the like. That is not the point of intimacy. Intimacy is the dance of differences where we enhance our survival by engaging support that is very different from us... just like the bee and flower relationship.
 This brings us to the key point of this article: sexual equality. The synonym for equality is sameness. Since the whole point of our sexually intimate relationships is the dance of differences, sameness or equality has no place. The failure to understand this most basic nature of intimacy is the cause of most of the heartbreak and difficulty found in modern relationships. Remember, I am not talking about social equality, but the false expectation of sameness within intimate relationships.
I have been working with people and their relationship problems for 40 years now, and the biggest problem I hear over and over boils down to "My partner isn't like me - they don't do things my way or see things the way I do." This desire for sameness from your intimate partner causes the death of so many relationships. They are not supposed to be like you. It is their differences that enhance you and make your union stronger than either of you alone. If one of you is mental, logical, and focused while the other is emotional, feeling, and global, then the combination of those traits gives the two of you a much greater chance of perceiving life accurately and successfully adapting to what is - in a word survival..
But dealing with differences is uncomfortable by definition. Comfort is all about dealing only with what you already know - with what is the same as you. The desire for comfort drives us to try to make our partners be like us. They can't be like us. They are who they are. If they try to be like us they have to suppress who they are. Suppression is a relatio
nship path destined to fail. There is no connection to someone that has suppressed themselves and is pretending to be who you want. Plus the whole reason we were attracted to them in the first place was because of differences in them that we saw and valued. If they become like us they lose the very traits that attracted us in the first place.
So how do we dance with differences? How does the bee relate to the flower and how does the flower relate to the bee? Each respects and appreciates the other. They have a dance of mutual support based on their differences. Each brings different qualities and gifts to the relationship. Discomfort can be overcome by appreciation.
We are raised up by our appreciation. As humans we will go to incredible effort and through great discomfort to achieve a state of appreciation. Look at mountain climbing, or creating art, or beautiful architecture. Appreciate your mate for who they are. It is not their job to be the way you want, only to naturally support who you are with their unique gifts. If there is no mutual support through natural expression of who each of you are, then there is not really a basis for a sustainable and successful relationship. Move on.
Bottom line: abandon the concept of equality in  intimacy.
You are each in the relationship for different reasons based on different needs. What each of you wants is different and what each of you has to give is different. One may want freedom while the other may want security. That is ok. Figure out how to support each other from where you are. There will be no basis for comparison as to what is "fair and equal" so give it up. All that matters is are you getting to be yourself and are you happy with the support you are getting from your mate - with the profound understanding that comfort is not the point of an intimate relationship - delight and appreciation is the point. If you want comfort, get a dog and stay living at home or with your friends. Love your mate for who they are and show it by giving them the best of who you are.
Good Journey,
David
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Ouestions - if you have questions of a health or growth nature we could discuss in this newsletter, or if you have comments or ideas about a future newsletter focus please email me at:
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